I once had a conversation with a business leader who was talking about some big moves within his organization. One move in particular was really going to stretch one of his best people. The new role was going to require a level of hand-holding with stakeholders that definitely did not come natural for this brilliant, highly efficient manager. Without really thinking about it, I blurted out, “He’s going to need to learn the art of diplomacy.”

Inwardly I was struck by how easily that just fell out of my mouth. So much so that I spent a lot of time over the next few days really chewing on the idea.

It painfully reminded me that some of the biggest stumbles I’ve had in my life—both personal and professional—were the times when I failed to be diplomatic in tenuous situations. And that got me thinking: what does it REALLY mean to be diplomatic, to behave LIKE a diplomat?

Think about it: We’ve had world-class diplomats for eons, and we can easily throw around the idea of being “diplomatic,” but do we really know what all that entails, practically, in everyday interactions? So I did what I love to do: I researched it.

I consumed a ton of information, most of which turned out to be far more specifically political than I care about. But I also came across a large range of definitions of diplomacy.

• BYU Communications Professor Cory Leonard points out that diplomacy sounds sort of fancy-pants, like people in elegant clothes clinking glasses at elite gatherings or far-off embassies.
• Napoleon (Bonapart, not Dynamite) called diplomacy “Policy in grand costume.”
• Civil War-era writer Ambrose Bierce called it “The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.”
• And 1920s sports writer Walter Trumbull said it’s “The art of saying ‘nice doggy’ until you can find a rock”

But the one I like is from a group called School of Life. They say “Diplomacy is the art of advancing an idea or cause without unnecessarily inflaming passions or unleashing a catastrophe.”

I think the operative word there is unnecessarily—which really describes my own failings in this area over the years.

Which is really sad, because I know that diplomacy requires having a pretty decent understanding of human nature. And since I am a lifelong student of human behavior, you’d think I’d have this down pat by now. But I still occasionally stumble in ways that can undermine agreement and stoke the fires of conflict—which is the exact opposite of diplomacy.

So, what is everyday diplomacy and how does it work to keep the flames of conflict from getting out of control? It seems there are at least three critical areas in the A.R.T. of everyday diplomacy.

A—Active Listening

It’s been said that personal broadcasting has replaced the art of conversation, silence has become a scarce resource, and we have forgotten how to listen.

Probably all true.

One of the textbooks in the marketing section of my personal library is on Marketing Communications. The book opens up with a lovely technical/theoretical definition of communication—something about sending, encoding, decoding, blah-blah-blah. If you can get past the academic jargon, the bottom line is that hearing and listening are NOT the same thing.

In Matthew 13:9, Jesus said to the crowd, “Anyone who has ears should listen.” When His disciples asked Jesus why He spoke to the crowd the way He did, Jesus replied, “They look, but they don’t really see. They hear, but they don’t really listen or understand.”

Hearing always happens, passively, even subconsciously. But listening is ACTIVE. It requires attention, effort. And “active listening” requires even more effort because it requires that we do more than just plan what we are going to say next.

Proverbs 18:13 says, “The one who gives an answer before he listens—this is foolishness and disgrace for him.”

In active listening, you also have to observe: What sort of facial expressions accompany what is being said? What’s the body language saying? What gestures are being used?

And then demonstrate that you are paying attention by allowing yourself to get physically involved in what the speaker is saying. Nod your head. Use facial expressions like raising your eyebrows or smiling. Give verbal cues that you are actually tracking with them.

My youngest child—my daughter—once competed in a regional speech and debate tournament held in Louisiana. She learned very quickly how important active listening can be. In some cases, the judges were active listeners, and in others they were like stone-cold statues. She was flummoxed by how much more difficult it was to communicate when it felt like the judges weren’t actively listening.

The second critical area in getting to diplomatic relations and solutions is

R—Rapport Building

Nicholas Boothman, author of How To Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less, says, “The ‘secret’ of success is not very hard to figure out. The better you are at connecting with other people, the better the quality of your life.” Rapport is about connecting with other people.

Some people—mostly those who don’t know me very well—are surprised when they learn that I am naturally introverted, and sometimes extremely introverted. So, for me, books about the critical importance of connecting with other people are a reminder that simply ignoring my natural ‘weakness’ for connecting and focusing on my strengths (like working with information and things) is not a great overall strategy. Personally, I have to learn how to tame my introverted reflex in general, and definitely in certain settings. I’ve spent a lifetime working on that, and I still have a lot to learn.

When we first meet someone, we need to be able to communicate, right? But between the initial meeting (coming together) and communicating is what Boothman refers to as the “90-second land of rapport.”

The word rapport stems from the French verb rapporter (“hr-rap-oh-tea” … which sounds a bit like you are saying a “cup of tea” … which I am a fan of). The word literally means to carry something back; so, in the sense of how people relate to each other, it means that what one person sends out the other sends back.

In other words, it’s being in sync, or harmony!

But here’s an important point about that harmony. It takes a bit to get there.

Leadership communications consultant and self-professed neuroscience nerd, Lynne Franklin, points out that during the first SEVEN seconds of meeting a new person, your brain is literally flooded with information. Interestingly enough, research seems to show that the very first thing we notice about someone is their hair, then their eyes, what clothes they’re wearing and how they sound—all within that first seven seconds. That may not seem like much, but it is a TREMENDOUS amount of new data. Our brains are literally overloaded. Think of it like a symphony warming up. It’s a cacophony of noise—in this case, visual and audible noise. And both your brain and the other person’s brain are flooded with this noise. Sometimes the noise just never stops and you find yourself looking for a chance to get away. But … other times, the noise suddenly begins to synchoronize and harmonize, almost like magic.

But it isn’t magic, it’s rapport.

“The key to establishing rapport with strangers,” Boothman says, “is to learn how to become like them.” It’s about finding common ground and focusing—temporarily—on that thing that makes you “like” the other person in some way.

What one person sends out, the other sends back.

Going back to our symphony analogy, we find that both symphonies have similar instruments playing, and so we connect. You’ve probably heard others use the words “Mirroring” and “Matching,” both of which are drawn from research by psychiatrist Milton Erickson. Motivational guru Tony Robbins says it like this:

“People like people who are like themselves … OR who are like how they would like to be.”

Now, Mirroring and Matching is not necessarily mimicking, though it can be—as long as it isn’t obvious, which then comes off as weird. But it can be as simple as matching the body postures, gestures, “vibe” (i.e., energy levels), vocal tone (how you sound), speed of speech, and even the breathing of another person.

Did you notice how musical some of those things are: vibe, tone, speed …?

Going back to our original definition, what one person sends out, the other sends back. The music you send out—vibe, tone, speed, pace, posture, etc—I send BACK in a way that creates harmony rather than discord—ALSO musical terms. I purposefully turn the noise into music.

Think about it using the “Mehrabian Model” of communication—7% of communication is Verbal (words), 38% is Vocal (pitch, tone, rythym of your voice), and 55% is Visual (body language). Rapport focuses on using the first 90 seconds or so to create harmony both Visually and Vocally … all while you look for something to talk about that harmonizes Verbally.

The T, the third and final letter in our A.R.T. of Everyday Diplomacy model is to use TACTful communications in order to achieve diplomatic relations and solutions.

T—Tactful Communication

It’s unavoidable: Every one of us eventually lands in a situation that requires we deliver painful or sensitive information to someone else. And, while it’s important to tell the truth, we need to think about how we do it. I had a professor in college, Dr. Hubert Seals, who always said, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” I’ve found that little quip to be repeatedly true over the course of my life. So, tact, then, is the ability to tell the truth in a way that considers other people’s feelings and reactions and, hopefully, preserves the relationship.

1940s advertising executive, Howard W. Newton, said, “Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy.” That’s good stuff.

In a lot of ways, tact is good manners. But … it’s more than that, too.

As the folks at MindTools say, it can “help you to avoid conflict, find common ground, and allow others to save face.”

So … what exactly IS TACTful communication? Think of TACT as another acronym …

T— is Thinking before you speak. How many times have you spoken too quickly and then regretted it? Yeah, me, too. The Good News Translation of Proverbs 16:23 says, “Intelligent people think before they speak; what they say is then more persuasive.” Amen to that.

A— is Appropriate timing. Tact means saying the right thing at the right time. Consider your situation—who you’re with and where you are—before you speak, and be discreet. Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word spoken at the right time is like gold apples on a silver tray.”

C— is Choosing your words carefully. Ephesians 4:29 says, “You must let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is beneficial for the building up of the one in need, that it may give grace to those who hear.” The key word, I think, is BENEFICIAL. An oft-repeated tactic is to avoid starting sentences with the word “you.” Instead, use “I” statements, especially during conflict or when you are giving constructive criticism. You can also use a “cushion,” or connecting statement, when you disagree with someone. And above all, be concise. Proverbs 10:19 says, “When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is wise.” So be honest and assertive, but only say what you NEED to say.

T— is Taming yourself. When you’re tactful, your own emotions and body language need to be controlled and purposeful in order to match your BENEFICIAL message. For example, if you lose your composure and let your emotions take over, the chances of saying something beneficial practically flies out the window. Or if you maintain control of your words and emotions, but your body language is closed or aggressive, you send a mixed message that is confusing for the listener, eroding trust. Again, the Good News Translation is interesting. In Proverbs 16:32 it says, “It is better to be patient than powerful. It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities.”

So, there you have it: The A.R.T. of Diplomacy is

• Active listening
• Rapport building, and
• Tactful communication

I don’t know about you, but I’ve stumbled enough during difficult conversations. My goal—and I hope it’s yours as well—is to keep learning this incredible A.R.T. of everyday diplomacy.